LIQUID ILLUZION: 03.2006

3.29.2006

So little,
Your hands.
So little,
Your clothes.
How big
You've had to be.
All
Because of me.

Some say,
"Such little time we must be apart."
So much
Life left to live.
Choose it.
Cherish it.
I pray,
We live.

BIG...
Is the way I'll love you
Forever,
then still.

I promise you both,
Never again
Will we part
For the big
Little time
Ever that way
Again.
I love you both
So Much...
With such little time.

~Mommy

VELVET TEARS~

Blocking the flow....

VELVET MIND~

In this heart of mine
There lives a tiny little voice.
It is soft
And it sounds distant.
The thickness of the walls
That surround my heart
Will not let
The whimpery whispers
Of the little voice
Escape.
My mind
Even,
Wishes the little voice away.
Surrounding my mind
Are the walls of a pink velvet
Barbed wire box.

It is within this box
That my mortal soul
Does time.
Imprisioned.

My heart
With all its jagged pieces
Finds the strength to protect
The precious pure sound.
Fear
Of the adknowlegement of the tiny sound
It might retreat, never return.
Fear
In my heart
Of abandonment.
Again.
Oh,
To be left with nothing
But despair and pain.

Please stay with me.
Here,
Safely,
Inside of me.
I will continue to protect you
As I have done for so long.
Mind
Body
And soul.
Shhhhhhh.
Quiet now.
Others are listening.
Shhhhh.
Shhhhh.
Shhhhh.

A tear falls from a closed eye.

REFLECTION~

In the mirror....

SUICIDE~

I am my worst enemy,
Yet my only companion.
I lie here in endless disconsolation.
Waiting for you to save me.
Your perfect face blinds me.
Your beauty is too bright for my eyes.
It hurts me
To look at you.
But I can't seem
To turn my head
Away from you.
I called you over to me.
Yet,
I have nothing to say.

Choke me.
Take me,
My life
Into your hands.
And when I depart from this earth
I will haunt you
With memories of our past.

Hey,
I once knew a little girl
Who liked to play with fire.
I remind me of her.
So,
What's left for me to do here?
Except be pretty
And play with your balls.

Goodbye now
You cruel psycho
That dares to stare back at me
In the haze of my mirror.

I am ready to go now.
I've been dead inside for days now.

Hell,
Think I'll just go get a "Fish Box" instead!

PRE-BROKEN~

As a child...

BROKEN CHILD~

I tried to walk.
It wasn't fast enough for you.
I tried to run.
But running was not allowed.
"You might fall and hurt yourself..."

I tried to talk.
"Shhhhhhhh!"
"Children are meant to be seen, not heard!"
Quiet now.
Smile.

I tried to grow.
But I was too young..
As I grew,
I was told I needed to grow up.
So,
I grew and I grew.
Yet, it was too fast for you.

I forgot to play.
I forgot to feel.
I forgot how to cry.
No need to be healed.
I simply forgot to create a "Me".

I ran too fast.
I know nothing 'bout rest.
Stop.
Breathe.
OK...
Start over again.
Running now.
Faster still.
I fell......in love.
You were right.
It hurt.
I went back to the beginning.
I wanted to walk.
I tried to talk.
But dear GOD, the piercing pain!
I found numb.
I chose numb.

You said;
"You're strong!"
"Pick up your pieces and move on!"
Smile.
No one will notice the tears,
Nor ask of my pains.

Remember.
Numb.

I caught a glimpse of mu hands in a mirror once.
I watched as blood dripped
Then streamed from my grip.
T'was then that I realized I was holding my heart.
I clutched it tight
In my scruffy hands.
It appeared to me that I was protecting it
From the damage
That'd already been done.

But,
You're strong.
Keep moving on.
Fast.
Fast.
Faster!
Remember....
The numb.

I cannot breathe.
The color of crimson now covers me.

From what's left of my head to what once were my toes.
I gasp....
As blood now fills my throat.
My eyes
Search frantically....
For my Mommy,
"I need my Daddy"
My eyes are now consumed.

Who's there?
I can't see.
I can't feel.
Oh yeah, numb.

Ahhhh,
But I can still hear you!
I sigh,
Relieved.

Enough!

You're voice never left me!
Please STOP talking ABOUT me!
Touch me.
Try.
Would you please listen to me?

I've now learned to walk.
My head up high.
I no longer care to run.
Don't ask me why.
I need to talk.
Yet when I do, the same still "Balk".
My growth...
Well,
Still stunned.
I cannot go on like this.
I need to rest.
I need to feel safe.

Please don't ask me to be a big girl now,
I am still
Simply,
A broken child
Who knows not "How".

SEX~

Sex...

SEX~

Numb.
Cry.
Numb.
Scream.
Numb.
Why?
Mean.
I bury my face in my favorite pillow.
Dark.
Cry.
Why?
Alone.
Over and over and over and over.
Numb.
Scream.
Numb.
Mean.
Fuck you,
Whatever!

PINK~

The clouds turned PINK....

WHEN THE CLOUDS TURN PINK~

I contemplate
The power of blue.
The poison I've swallowed.
The intensity of the moment.
The fruit
Is painfully beautiful.
I simply could not resist.
Now,
I am ready for sleep.
Please wake me when the clouds turn pink.
Hopefully,
Then
I will be healed.
Inside and out
By the person
I was supposed to be.

If I do not find sleep,
Nail my knees to the floor.
Make me look into the sky.
Please help me see
What my mortal soul
Could not understand.
And then,
Please again,
Clean my wounds.
Hug me.
Even if I resist you.
And I will.

Give me permission
To let the tears fall from my eyes.
Allow me to be humble
And to feel vulnerable.
Then,
Drift with me to the moon.
Sit with me on it's edge
As our legs dangle over it ledge.
Let's together chase the shooting stars
In the middle of the night and just before morn'.
Catch them.
Release them.
As they too
Begin to weep.

Your balance adrift has become
My favorite drug.
I'm dizzy swept in your evasive love.

Find me a rainbow.
Show me what's really there.
At it's beginning.
At it's end.
Take me out
To play in the rain.
Help me to appreciate the sunlight.
Please, prevent me from crawling back into my shadowy "self".

Richard,
Again, take me for a walk.
Deep within our woods.
Pick me a wildflower.
Place it behind my ear.
And then when I yawn sleepily,
Sing me a lullaby.
I love the way you mourn.
Sweetly.
Rest here.
Beside me.
Embrace the moments we call peace.
Sleep.
Softly....Cause I need you to wake me
When the clouds turn pink.

THE BIRTH OF LiQuiD~

Falling.....

3.28.2006

THE FALL~

Oh, the memories of summer
Mine, held fast.
The sweet smell of coconut, still lingers in the air.
The sweat, the steam.
Our hearts opened, words pouring from our mouths.
Conversation, at last!

Ever so fading, th color is now draining.
Life and death, dance together.
My heart feels cold.
Something was left, undone.

My mind, my soul.
What's left I shall unfold.

Would you like to take a peek?
Do you really care to see?
What is left of what you made of me.

If so,
Be still,
Be quiet.
Hide patiently from me.

I am running now.
I pass you by.
Chillingly, I catch a glimpse of you from the corner of my eye.
Run after me.
Catch me.
Pull me to the ground.
I'd let you.

Reach for your knife, we know the one.
Grasp it gently with your strong hands.
Hold me down.......harder!
Then carve at me softly, as you please.

Take a close look.
What is it that you see?
Tell me....
How do I differ from the furry ones?
The slimey ones?
The featherd ones?

Does my blood not flow the same?
It's color...not dark enough for your taste?
Or was it the kill?
Below or demeaning your level of skill?
Too easy?
Or was it not "FUN" enough for you?

Hey,
I know that my ears are uneven.
That my skin is not flawless.
Or was it simply what you saw when you opened me?
Tell me...something....try to explain!
Why am I not hanging with your other trophies against your walls?

Was I....
Too old?
Too dull?

Asshole, I loved you.

I was merely a woman who wanted so much to feel.
Something.
Anything.
I no longer "long" for that....still.

I wish you not,
Because I forgot
The feeling you gave....the depths of numb.
I hear that you are a "Bottom Feeder" now.
It sucked you down.
I pray more for you still.

But back to then....

Reach for your kife,
Yeah, duh!
The same one.....
Now grasp it tightly with your anger,
Show me your tears.
Carve at me again, and again.
Please....
Do not look away from me.
I need to see you, all of you.
I'm swimming in the depths of your icey blue eyes.

I hunger for the sound of your laughter.
Laugh for me one more time.
At me.
At anything.
Contageously, it soothes me.

Watch me then, as my eyes slowly shut.
Borderd with red, yet you barely cut!

Kiss my eyelids.
Then pull away as you ponder my slight smile.
I need to feel, once more, the warmth of my tears.
As they fall, intermingling with yours,
Recreating the depths of my soul.
That's where LiQuiD was born.

Needing to see.
Needing to feel
The warmth of my blood ooze,
Then pour,
Over my now cold flesh.

LiQuiD....loving you, still.

You have carved me so beautifully.
Oh my,
With such skill.

I feel pretty now.
Peaceful.
Fuck you.
Fuck me.
Where the world can now see.

On my deathbead.