10.01.2008

Hers and His....

How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror
- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added Vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Java cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way,
cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the
'wooooo-hooooo'
sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub
the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open,
wet mat on floor,
light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel,
shake wiener at her and make the
'wooooo-hooooo'
sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
"Now....
Am I exaggerating here?"
Come on
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19 comments:

Christina said...

ROFLMAO...but soooooooooo true!!!

D.Debil said...

'wooooo-hooooo'


=

Ghost Dansing said...

i really like long loofahs.....deep blue

lotus07 said...

You left out masturbate in the shower.....between washing face and washing armpits. Other than that, it is pretty accurate!

Madam Z said...

My dear girl, you have summed up the difference between the sexes in one absolutely brilliant, hilarious post!

I'm going to show it to my husband now. woooo-hoooo!

La Framéricaine said...

I officially love you!

Can we go steady?

Will you wear my writing ring, please, please, please?

I particularly LOVED the reference to the "towel the size of a small country." That was sooooo good!

I walk 67 steps from my poor white French trash trailer abode to a communal shower, girls on one side, boys on the other, each morning before work because I can't wake up without being drenched in hot water.

I carry a little white plastic basket with a handle in which there are shaving creme, razors, bar soap, Neutrogena shampoo bottle filled with Costco-refilled "Garnier Fructis" cheaper shampoo, Neutrogena conditioner that is still the real deal, knock off Sensodyne toothpaste and a toothbrush, and, last, but not least, a pump plastic bottle of Cetaphil face wash. My towel is medium-sized and semi- absorbent.

I make the trek there and back in a slimpy black poly/lycra/spandex calf-length slip because menopause turned me into the Princess and the Pea re: fabric touching my skin.

I have fallen so far off the ladder to the pinnacle of feminine upkeep and beauty that I haven't shaved my legs in months and the razors are getting rusty. I have however shaved my pits, I do have standards, you know!

Thank gawd the ladies' shower room has no full-length mirror and I have been kind enough not to install one. After three years, I have forgotten what it is like to have a shower in the home.

My husband does the evening shift so I have seen his weenie in years!!!

Your post had me shrieking with laughter! Thank you, as my sense of humor has lately been stunted by panic attacks.

I bet you smell so gooooooodddd!!!

ForKeeps said...

My fav: "Make a shampoo mohawk. Pee"
LMAO

Memphis Steve said...

I haven't done the wiener shake in a very long time. She hasn't deserved it lately.

Janet Campbell said...

Are there cameras in here? Hahaha So funny and so true!

Utah Savage said...

This is perfection. It might be my favorite. You have nailed the difference between men and women.

And I keep going back to your other site, reading poetry and looking at your photos. Who took the photos of you? Are they self-portraits? You are too beautiful. It can't be easy.

SandyCarlson said...

Good God. Completely true. This reads like a documentary!

Thanks for making me laugh, Liquid!

ozymandiaz said...

I'm sure its not difficult to figure out which of the guy lines fit me...
that being said, I certainly hope you are exagerating for if not, women lead sad lives and men are broodish idiots (I don't doubt the second latter). As for me and mine, we generally shower together and both luagh at how loud my farts sound. She always has those SBDs. She'll appologize out of the blue and the next thing I know I'm trapped in a steamy stench burning the lining of my lungs.
Oh, and I don't wash my hair.

G-Man said...

Hey Hey Hey...
I have my own bathroom thank you!!

Diane Vogel Ferri said...

This just happened at my house this morning...

Daisy said...

HA! Sounds about right to me! :D

becky said...

Hilarious so true.lol

Deb said...

Too funny - although I did go check our bathroom to see if there was a video cam set up in there! Guess some things are truly universal! Now I have to go wash my computer screen since I laughed out looud and my coffee sprayed all over everything!

Border Explorer said...

Laughed until tears came.

Deb said...

Not the slightest bit of an exaggeration. Makes me think you have a camera in my bedroom and bathroom. How else could you know.