7.16.2007

ONLY IN MISSISSIPPI....

This afternoon, around 4:30 p.m., I realized that I only had 2 cigarettes remaining in the pack that I had purchased in the a.m. earlier today.
One of those days, what can I say?
I had been watching the neighbors children since the church van delivered them from Vacation Bible School, around lunch time and well, I needed another cigarette to help smoke out some Indians.
So I decided to drive down the road to the local "Wild Goldfish Store & Eatery" and get another pack, which I fully intended to smoke in it's entirety unless super Mom returned soon to retrieve her DNA samples.
I was driving reeeeeaaaaal slow, just taking it easy and enjoying my five minute break from all the cowboy's and Indians back at home in the yard.
As I was cruising along I approached a home positioned close to the road on the right side of my vehicle.
I noticed a calamity of sorts in the front yard that appeared to have already gathered a crowd.
This is a home occupied by a black family (or two) who have always been known for their many levels of neighborly excitement. Never a dull moment around here.........I promise!
They have lived there for all of my life and will obviously continue to live in the same house and incubate long after I am gone.
The yard was covered with family members who were dashing back and forth in an obvious panic.
As I pulled over to see what Miss Sadie, the great-great grandmother, was screaming about, I was met in the driveway by an ambulance who had also just arrived.

The following is my account of the details prior to laughing my head off....

In my neighbor's yard, lying flat of his back, yet all sprawled out, was a middle aged black man.
His eyes were rolled back in his head and he was not moving.
Now, don't hold me accountable for this part but I think they call him "Nigger". (not kidding)
So, I got out of my car and began to weave my way through the family members to walk alongside the driver of the ambulance.
I stopped though, to muse at the odd fact that the man had already been chalked off.
Now this may not seem odd for a crime scene but.....the sheriff had not arrived yet and the ambulance arrived at the same time I did.
Then I also noted that the chalk was lavender.
Hmmmmmm.
I looked around pondering this declaration of a lifeless body and saw one of the littlest girls, probably 4 or 5 years old, holding one of those thick round sticks of sidewalk chalk.
She had obviously been subjected to lots of "COP's" episodes or had just picked up this procedure at a family reunion or something.
Anyway, I am starting to giggle at my observation but realizing promptly that there is nothing funny, at all, about the situation at hand.
The ambulance driver approaches Miss Sadie as she is wailing,
"Oh lordy, OH LORDY....He too young fa dis' ! O myh LORD....We's always know he sick, oh lordy, we's always know....Ahhhhhhh, my baby, my baby....He gone to da maka!"
The driver trys to calm her to no avail as she is now in the midst of one of her fainting spells.
Two other family members try to hold her up.
"Oh lordy, please don't take my baby.....he too yung!"
Now, mind you, no one is near the supposed corpse.
I find this small detail more than odd, considering they are all family and such.
His eyes are still rolled back in his head.
He has not moved.
Still encircled with lavender chalk.
It is at that point that I hear Miss Sadie then tell the driver,
"Oh my chile' been sick since he been born, oh lordy, lordy, he got the "Smiley Miley Jesus", he got da "Smiley Miley Jesus"!!!"
Ok....my head now tilts a bit to the right and my eyebrows are squinched and I'm thinking.....hard!
"Smiley Miley Jesus......Smiley Miley Jesus....?????
Heck, I just hope it ain't contagious and airborne and shit!
So be it either way but he still lays there alone....motionless.
No one was paying attention nor tending to him and I am feeling guilty knowing that I wasn't about to get too close.
All of a sudden, Nigger jumps up to a standing position and looks around with a confused look on his face.
No shit....I mean he just bounces up and looks around at the chaos.
Now, when I tell you that this gathering of people witnessed this miracle, or horror, they all scattered, I mean poof, THEY WERE GONE!
Everyone had disappeared in an instant.
Heck, I was too freaked out to run!
As it came to pass and Nigger, with a crazy stagger, walked in the front door of the family home and shut it behind him.
The driver then turned to me and said....
"Smiley Miley Jesus....he has SPINAL MENINGITIS."
He had been unconscious due to an epileptic seizure!
I held it as long as I could, trying to make it to the privacy of my car, but failed to and burst out laughing joined by the driver and walked to my car shaking my head.
Only in Mississippi are people diagnosed with the Smiley Miley Jesus!
Confession:
I had to buy a beer to go with my smokes.

1 comment:

74WIXYgrad said...

Oh my my my. I don't even know what I'd get if I was in your shoes. I mean besides Advil, since I figure your shoes would be smaller than mine.