6.09.2008

Hor - Moans.....


It may be true - and we certianly believe that it is - that everything in the world happens or does not happen as a result of blow jobs, given or withheld. But there is something else at work here, too, at the very core of it all - an unseen but nonetheless irresistible force of nature that controls virtually everything, at least on this planet, and thanks to NASA, somewhat beyond. I am speaking of hormones. Hormones - specifically ours - are the boss of everything. Somebody somewhere gets pissed off and launches something that incinerates somebody else somewhere else, but why is he being such a butthead? Because he didn't get the blow job he felt entitled to, or worse, because somebody else got the blow job he felt he was entitled to. But why did he not get his rightful blowjob? My bet is....hormones, or lack there of.

We all like to think that all our actions and reactions are totally rational and appropriate to each and every situation. In fact, we bear hot resentment toward any male-type who presumes to diagnose our slight hormonal trough or surge. And if we do happen to be in the hormonal induced state, nothing makes us madder than to have a MAN suggest it. We can say that about ourselves if we feel like it, but woe be unto the man wo tries to blame our reaction to his bad behavior on a little estrogen, plus or minus. The words "towering rage" were first used to describe just such a situation, I believe. My daddy's favorite Biblical threat toward one's enemies was "Let us cut off his head and make of his house a dunghill." Sounds good to me, and after all, it is in the Bible.

Witness these hormonal events:

A woman, who shall remain nameless, calls her sister and makes the report that, not only does she not love her husband, she no longer even likes him.
"Yesterday I was looking out hte window and he was walking across the yard, when all of a sudden - he fell into a hole! One second he was there, the next he just dropped out of sight! I started laughing and I could not stop!" She laughed so hard, she fell down and just lay there, in a heap, cackling and whooping till the tears ran down her face and she had big black puddles of melted mascara all over her cheeks. Presently she heaved herself up by the window ledge and peered out. By this time, he was dragging himself out of the hole and she realized he had hurt himself in some manner. "I started laughing all over again! I never laughed so hard in all my life. I thought to myself....'Just stay in that hole, you old fart!' And then I laughed some more!" Eventually, she calmed herself down, and he managed to haul his carcass in from the front yard. She glanced up as he entered, and he said to her, "You will never believe what just happend to me." She, with a completely straight face, replied, "Oh? What was that?"

This was a local event.

From the wire services, we see a national trend. A seventy-year-old man was beaten to death with a shoe - by a woman - as he lay on the sofa. I called one of my friends and inquired whether or not she was a suspect in the "Fatal Shoe Beating," since I knew she'd been enjoying very little domestic bliss lately. We both agreed that you'd have to be pretty pissed off at somebody to beat them to death with a shoe. The wire service did not give us nearly all the details we craved: like what kind of shoe was it and how many times did she whack him with it? We figured it must have occurred in some strict-gun-control state. Poor woman couldn't get a handgun and had to use footwear to finish him off. This just points to the never failing resourcefulness of women, though, not to mention their long suffering natures. I mean, how many times do you reckon she had told him to get up off that couch? I'm quite certian she was just pushed beyond the human limitations of tolerance and had no choice. That will no doubt, be her defense. (You go girrrrrrl!) The hormone defense probably doesn't stand up in court. And you know she hated to ruin that shoe too, bless her heart. God, we beg of your mercy and please save the Sweet Potato Queens!

15 comments:

74WIXYgrad said...

So, let me get this straight. Some people lose their head because they aren't given any head.

And is this why many chances are blown?

Am I getting to the meat of the matter?

Panaderos said...

LOL to both your post and the comment above! :D

Billy said...

I wasn't looking for a bj, just a kiss from the Lacombe Crab Queen at this year's festival. Was that too much to ask?

Liquid said...

Yep.

Thanks.

and

Nope.

Dante said...

Shall I fly in to bring you delicate chocolates today? I would. You know this.

Liquid said...

Please.

lotus07 said...

I always suspected that referencing the whole female hormonal surge was a sure fire way to make it even worse, now I have proof!

SandyCarlson said...

Which explains an awful lot about why Bill always smiles but W never does.

What they don't teach us in social studies....

I hope she beat him with a little bit of both shoes so the wear is even. Would be a shame to waste a pair of shoes on a couch potato.

Liquid said...

lotus07:
You bet.
:)

Liquid said...

Sandy:

Good point on the Bill (W) issue.

A good friend of mine and I have this saying when we get ticked off at someone.

"Don't make me take my clog off!!"

lol

DivaJood said...

I doubt if the shoe-killer used a pair of Manolo Blahniks. That would be a waste of great shoe!

Frasypoo said...

Hi Liquid,
I was all set with a reply till I read all the comments above !!!
Yes,If I ever had to beat a man up it would be with a cheap pair rather than some Louboutins !

dons_mind said...

sheesh - all this talk about blowjobs..now i'm gonna be hormonal myself.....where's the damn shoes..
:)
:)

La Framéricaine said...

I must thank Savage Utah directly for bit-lifting me to your land of illuzions. I hate to think how much Mississippi mud I might have had to wade through to find you all by my lonesome!

I belly laughed my way to where I am right now and I was so dizzy with delight that I don't know quite where I am in the post flow. One thing I do remember though was that I wanted to write to LBRouge in Austin about hormones today after reading about her green woHULKman.

The only thing that I ever found worse than the hormones I had from 13-42 was the ones I no longer had after Valentine's Day 07 when I stopped better living through chemistry and got hit by the menopause train.

I never took the Pill until I was 42--to regulate hormones, not conception--and all I wanted to know was why the hell they never gave me that little motherfucker when I was 16! "I coulda been a contender!" Instead I pissed off family, friends, employers, strangers, any good job I ever had, etc., my whole "reproductive" life--good thing I never reproduced! Suffice it to say, it woulda been a whole different life with early chemical intervention...

When they took that Pill away from me, if I hadn't been an inveterate reader and a total hypochondriac, I woulda been up shit creek with out the canoe, much less the bloody paddle! I got some hormone variant and once again started visiting dreamland but I still have a vestigial "low boil" buzz that just lives in my body... Kinda like I imagine "The Tingler."

Your stuff is so good I wanna be YOU when I grow up. And I wouldn't mind bein' your posse, male or female 'cause their comments are funny as hell, too.

Chapeau, chérie!

Madam Z said...

There's no question that the world would be a more peaceful place without those goddam hormones, both est and test. But at least we women contain our estrogen-fueled rages to our immediate vicinity. It's the goddam MEN and their stupid TESTOSTERONE that causes the WARS! I can just hear the warmongers now: "Wah! I didn't get my blowjob! I'm gonna blow something up!"